Q
My family has been invited to my niece’s wedding. This is the first wedding of the next generation in our family. My husband and I have four children. Our oldest son, Marty, is 12, and he does not want to go. He wants to stay at a friend’s house, and the friend’s mother has said that would be fine with her.
However, it is not fine with me. I want all of my children at the wedding and in the family photos. Do you have any advice for persuading Marty to attend? I am concerned that if we allow him to skip this event, we will set a precedent that he does not have to participate in family gatherings with the rest of us.
A
Thank you for sharing this interesting and challenging question. Parents spend a great deal of time and energy encouraging children to do things they would rather avoid. Many parents have had a child who refused to eat vegetables, so they found creative ways to hide them in spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, or smoothies.
Unfortunately, there is no practical way to disguise a wedding as a sporting event or another child-friendly activity. So what are your options?
Bribery might work, but it often creates new challenges. If you offer Marty a reward for attending, your other children may expect one as well. Future family outings could become negotiations. You might promise a trip to the toy store, a movie outing, or a pizza party after the wedding, but once rewards become the standard, children may continue asking for more.
Before deciding how to proceed, ask Marty why he does not want to attend. He may think weddings are boring, dislike dressing up, or simply prefer spending time with his friend. If spending time with his friend is the main issue, consider offering an overnight visit or weekend get-together at a later date.
If your decision is that all of the children, including Marty, will attend the wedding, then present that expectation clearly and calmly. Consider holding a family meeting with your husband and children. Use the meeting to explain travel plans, accommodations, and what everyone can expect during the event.
Make it clear that the entire family will be attending and that there are no exceptions. Review expectations for behavior and participation. Help the children prepare their clothing ahead of time and explain any special roles they may have. Walk them through how the ceremony and reception will unfold and discuss what will be expected of them at each stage.
The more information children have, the more comfortable and cooperative they are likely to be. Clear communication and preparation can help make the experience smoother and more enjoyable for everyone.
Betty Richardson, PhD, RN, CS, LPC, LMFT, is an Austin-based psychotherapist.
