Q
My husband and I have three children, ages 3, 6, and 11. My question is: Should discipline change based on a child’s age? If so, how?
A
In years past, children of all ages often received the same discipline: a whipping. When I was 4, I discovered my dad’s drawer of candy bars and took a bite out of each one. What was I thinking? Perhaps I thought he wouldn’t notice one bite missing from each candy bar. Anyway, I got a whipping.
While some parents still use spanking or other forms of corporal punishment, many parents use discipline methods designed to guide and teach children without resorting to physical punishment.
This month, I talked with many parents in all kinds of places, including waiting lines, offices, and grocery stores, to find out what they are doing to discipline their children. Some very good parents are using natural and logical consequences, as well as talking with their children about feelings and appropriate ways to handle them. These conversations often center on helping children identify what they are feeling, such as anger or jealousy. Parents can explain that it is OK to feel angry or jealous, but it is not OK to act on those feelings in a way that hurts someone. The discussion can also include acceptable ways to respond to strong emotions.
A natural consequence is what happens on its own as a result of a behavior. For example, if a child pours Mom’s perfume on his head, a natural consequence is experiencing the perfume’s strong scent.
Logical consequences are set by the parent and are closely connected to the child’s behavior. If a child throws a toy or fights with another child over a toy, the toy can be put away for a period of time. When parents use natural and logical consequences, this approach can be adapted for children of different ages.
I personally like natural and logical consequences as a way to discipline children of any age. Other methods of discipline that may be more age-specific include timeouts and temporarily taking away belongings or privileges.
Regardless of whether you use the same type of discipline, such as natural and logical consequences, for all your children, or use different approaches based on age, the important thing is that discipline be
a learning experience.
After disciplining a child, why not spend a few minutes evaluating what you accomplished? Was the discipline effective? Did your child understand what behavior needed to change? If not, consider trying something different next time. The goal of discipline is not simply to stop unwanted behavior. It is to help children learn, grow, understand their emotions, and develop better ways to make choices.
Betty Richardson, PhD, RN, CS, LPC, LMFT, is an Austin-based psychotherapist.
