Q
Our 10-year-old son, Scott, is negative about his abilities. He says he is not smart enough. He often claims assignments are too difficult, so he doesn’t try do them. There is a lot of complaining. He wants help with assignments he is capable of completing. What are some possible causes of negativity? What suggestions do you have for his mother and me to help our son be more positive?
A
You ask about possible causes of negativity. Depression can be a cause as can just being around others who are negative. Kids who have ADHD and are not on medication can also have difficulty with mental organization and confidence in their abilities.
As far as suggestions to help your son be more positive, I offer you the following suggestions. There is no particular order, and some can be done concurrently.
- Arrange for your son to be around more positive people. Einstein is quoted as saying “Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.” The phenomenon of emotions such as negativity spreading from one person to another is known as an emotion contagion. Be certain you and your husband are being positive.
- Resist fixing. “Yes, this is tough, but you can do it.”
- Develop a list of positive affirmations. Display the list on the bathroom mirror or another prominent place where it will be seen frequently. Discuss these positive affirmations. Have everyone in the family say a positive affirmation about themself at meals and/or in the car. Everyone can benefit from positive affirmations.
- Hire a tutor or get a fellow student who is doing well in school, to help with understanding school subjects and homework assignments. Talk with Scott’s teacher to find ways to make certain homework assignments are submitted.
- Find games for the family and friends to play that have a reasonable chance for your son to win some of the time. Don’t just let him win. I think kids catch on to being let to win. It’s best that they win honestly.
- Have your child do a writing exercise developed by Elizabeth Scott, a wellness coach and health educator and the national Alliance on Mental Illness. Have your child write down negative or disempowering statements he has thought about himself. Have him write the words two more times, shut his eyes, and mentally erase the words. Next, erase the written words with an eraser. Lastly, the child is to “write a positive, affirming statement in place of the negative one.”
- Has your son seen a mental health professional? Consider setting up an appointment for him to be evaluated.
When you try these strategies, it is likely that you will have a more positive child. You may find that you as parents will be more positive too.
Betty Richardson, PhD, RN, CS, LPC, LMFT, is an Austin-based psychotherapist.
