Q.
Our 9-year-old daughter, Bonnie, has been invited, along with two other friends, to her best friend’s sleepover, but she’s extremely anxious about being away from home for the first time. She says she wants to go but becomes tearful and panicked as the day gets closer. We want to support her without pushing too hard. How can we help her feel more confident and comfortable?
A.
Bonnie’s reaction is not uncommon. For many children, a first sleepover can feel like a big leap into independence. Even if they’re excited, the unfamiliar setting, absence of parents, and nighttime routine changes can trigger anxiety.
Here are eight practical strategies to help ease your daughter into this experience:
- Normalize her feelings.
Let her know that many kids feel nervous before their first sleepover. Avoid dismissing her anxiety. Instead, validate it by saying, “It’s okay to feel nervous about something new.”
- Start with a ‘practice’ run.
Arrange a shorter visit, like a playdate that extends into the evening, or a “sleep-under,” where she stays until bedtime but comes home to sleep. This builds confidence in small steps.
- Choose the right setting.
Make sure the sleepover is at a home where your daughter feels safe and knows the family well. Familiarity can reduce stress and help her feel more in control.
- Discuss the plan.
Go over what will happen at the sleepover, including meals, bedtime routines, and contact info. Knowing what to expect reduces uncertainty, which is a major trigger for anxiety.
- Pack a comfort item.
Let her bring a favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or even a note from home. These small touches can make a big emotional difference.
- Give her an exit plan.
Let her know it’s okay to change her mind. Reassure her that if she becomes uncomfortable, she can call you, and you’ll come get her — no guilt, no shame.
- Stay calm and positive.
Children often pick up on parents’ anxiety. Keep your tone upbeat and confident, showing her, you trust her ability to handle the night away.
- Praise her efforts, not just success.
Even if she ends up coming home early, acknowledge her bravery for trying. Progress may come in stages, and that’s perfectly fine.
Above all, keep the lines of communication open. Anxiety thrives in silence but weakens when spoken about. With your support, patience, and these gradual steps, she’ll gain the confidence to enjoy future sleepovers — and you’ll both sleep easier, too.
Betty Richardson, PhD, RN, CS, LPC, LMFT, is an Austin-based psychotherapist.
