If you have ever tried to talk to your child after school and received a one-word answer, you are not alone. These days, you are likely also competing with a screen for attention. Kids climb into the car with earbuds already in, they walk through the door absorbed in texts, and even carpool is silent as each child focuses on their own device.
It is not that kids do not want to talk. It is that talking takes intention and can feel like a lot of work after a long day of structured learning. Screens offer a quicker and easier escape. However, if we want to keep the lines of communication open with our children as they age, we cannot wait for them to volunteer their thoughts. We need to create routines that help make conversation a normal part of family life.
Creating Opportunities for Conversation
The car ride home. This can be one of the best opportunities to connect with your child. The ride is typically short, you are already together, and the lack of eye contact helps kids feel more comfortable sharing.
Try making the first five minutes after pickup device-free to encourage conversation. Let your child know about the change in routine ahead of time so it feels less like punishment. You will probably need to give a lighthearted reminder a time or two, but soon it should become just another part of the day.
Screen-free family time. This does not need to be elaborate. It could be device-free dinners, screen-free weekend breakfasts, or a daily talk time before bed. The important thing is to make it predictable and routine. Kids talk more when they know that the moment is coming and is an expected part of the day.
Be flexible. It is important to build predictable times for connection into your family life, but it is equally important to make yourself available in those unexpected moments when kids decide to share spontaneously. They never seem to want to talk at a convenient time for parents, more like at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night, but whenever they do want to talk, we need to embrace the opportunity. Inconvenient though it may be, if we shut our kids down, they are less likely to come to us in the future.
Tips for Success
Do not make it an interrogation. A rapid-fire question-and-answer session will shut down even the chattiest child. Your goal should be connection, not gathering enough facts to publish an article.
Go first. Try sharing something about your day first. Doing so helps get the flow going and more gently starts the conversation.
Keep it short and casual. You do not want to bombard your child with 20 questions every day. They will quickly shut down and refuse to engage. Instead, aim for a few questions at a time, spread throughout the day.
Avoid judgment mid-conversation. If your child shares something, especially something hard to hear, resist the urge to correct, scold, or explain right away. You risk shutting down future honesty or being seen as a listener rather than a fixer. Remind yourself that your goal is connection, and you can always circle back later in the day.
Stay positive. If your child associates talking with you with positive energy, smiles, interest, connection, and lightheartedness, they will be more likely to engage willingly.
Do not multitask. Kids have finely tuned radar for when we are distracted and only half-listening. Give them your full attention so they feel that you are truly interested in what they have to say.
End with appreciation. A simple “I love hearing about your day” or “I love learning how you think” goes a long way.
20 Questions to Ask Kids
(That Actually Work!)
These questions are designed to be nonstressful and open-ended. You can mix them up and use them in the car, at dinner, before bedtime, or whenever your child is most receptive. Remember, use only a few at a time. You want your child to look forward to chatting with you, not feel exhausted at the end of your talk.
- What made you smile today?
- Who did you sit with at lunch or recess?
- What is one word you would use to describe your day?
- What is something you learned today that surprised you?
- If your day were a movie, what genre would it be?
- What was the funniest thing that happened today?
- If you could redo one moment from today, which would you pick?
- Which class felt the quickest today, and which felt the slowest?
- Did anyone do something kind for you today?
- Who made your day better today?
- What was a moment today when you felt confused or unsure?
- Who did you notice that seemed like they needed a friend today?
- What made you feel proud of yourself today?
- What challenged you today?
- What was a moment when you felt brave?
- What is something you are looking forward to tomorrow?
- What is something you wish adults understood about your school day?
- If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?
- Which subject would you love to explore more if you had extra time?
- What is something you did today that no one noticed, but you are glad you did anyway?
You do not need to ask perfect questions, you just need to be present, patient, and willing to keep asking. The idea is not to force kids to report every detail of their day, but to create consistent invitations to connect. When kids feel heard in the small things, they are more likely to open up about the big things.
Quick Conversation Starters
A compact list of questions, especially ones with an imaginative angle:
What made you smile today?
If your day were a movie, what genre would it be?
Who made your day better?
What moment made you feel proud?
Alison Bogle is a writer living in Austin with her husband and three children. A former fourth grade teacher, she now enjoys writing about children and education. You can also catch her talking about articles from Austin Family magazine each Thursday morning on FOX 7 Austin.
