You’re sitting at the kitchen table, head buried in your hands because of the throbbing headache that started about an hour into helping your child with math homework. You think: When did they start teaching math this way? What is this newfangled version of math? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?
Your child has their arms crossed and a defeated look on their face. We’ve all been there. You want to help, but you’ve hit a wall. These moments can be incredibly frustrating and stressful for everyone involved. Your child can’t remember exactly how to complete the assignment or even what they learned in class that day. They’re tired, irritated, and stressed, and they want to be anywhere but doing homework.
However, there is often more beneath the surface of what looks like indifference, irritation, procrastination, or even defiance. When faced with these situations, it’s important to dig down to the root of the problem.
When my son’s fourth grade class recently earned a show-and-tell event, he wasn’t excited to participate. In fact, he ranged from indifferent to almost put out by the idea. We didn’t press him at first, but the evening before the event, we started asking a few more questions. He admitted that several concerns were weighing on him.
First, he didn’t know what he wanted to bring. We did what many parents would do: We went into problem-solving mode. We offered a couple of ideas, but he still wasn’t sold. His next concern was the risk of losing or ruining whatever he brought to show the class. Again, we tried to solve the problem but couldn’t ease his anxiety.
Then, finally, the deeper concern surfaced.
What if my classmates think it’s lame?
There it was: the root of his indifference. Once we understood the source of his anxiety, we could talk it through and help him more intentionally.
Sometimes, homework stress and anxiety can masquerade as indifference, procrastination, and defiance. Our children’s behavior can tell us a story, but if we focus only on their actions or inactions, we can miss what’s happening beneath the surface. When these behaviors become a pattern, underlying concerns may be driving them. Stress and anxiety about homework or schoolwork can create a sense of avoidance.
If your child struggles with performance anxiety around homework, tests, quizzes, or presentations, there are several ways you can help.
Practice, practice, practice! It may sound simple, but practice really does help. Rehearsing presentations and studying material repeatedly can build competence and confidence. Preparation can also help calm anxiety by reassuring children that they’re ready.
Imagine the worst-case scenario. In certain situations, imagining the worst-case scenario can help children problem-solve and prepare to cope with difficult outcomes. Help them examine the evidence and consider how likely that scenario really is. Recognizing that their biggest fears may be unlikely can help reduce anxiety.
Visualize everything going well. Mental rehearsal allows children to imagine a positive outcome. Talk through each step of a presentation so they can picture themselves remembering their material, speaking confidently, and answering questions that may arise.
Teach relaxation and grounding techniques. Even with practice and preparation, stress and anxiety can surface in the moment. Teaching children simple breathing and grounding techniques can help them regulate their emotions. Whether they take deep belly breaths or use their senses to identify what they can see, hear, smell, feel, and taste, these techniques can help shift their attention away from anxious thoughts and toward the present moment.
Identify a performance mantra. When anxious thoughts are running rampant, a positive mantra can serve as an anchor. Help your child choose a short, memorable phrase to repeat when they feel worried, such as, “I am strong. I am capable. I’ve got this!”
These techniques can be helpful, but they may not fully address every source of stress or anxiety. Children may need additional support, especially when procrastination and avoidance persist. If your child continues to feel overwhelmed, try these strategies, too.
Break tasks into smaller steps. Sometimes, children freeze when they perceive the work in front of them as too much. Help them break assignments into manageable pieces. For example, if a math packet is due at the end of the week, encourage them to complete one page each day. Smaller steps can make the assignment feel less overwhelming and help children get started.
Work alongside your child. Some children do better when they know they aren’t working alone. If you have a chore or light work to do, save it for homework time and work nearby. Even if you’re doing something completely different, your presence can help reduce stress and encourage focus.
Trust your gut and seek additional support. If your child continues to struggle, don’t hesitate to seek help. They may need academic support because they’re having trouble understanding the material. Perhaps they’re struggling to focus, or they’re experiencing significant performance anxiety. Whatever is happening beneath the surface, getting the right support can help address the underlying issue.
Homework struggles can be exhausting and infuriating, but stress and anxiety may be contributing to the conflict. Finding the right strategies can make homework time a little less painful. More importantly, it can empower your child to manage anxiety, build confidence, and feel more capable of handling challenges at school and beyond.
Michelle Overman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Austin, TX. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her husband and two young boys. To learn more about Michelle and her work, visit michelleovermantherapy.com.
