|All in the family
Author: Deanne Haines
Immediately upon walking out of the church on my wedding day my mother-in-law burst into tears. While she claimed they were “tears of joy,” I know it was very hard for her to hand over her son to another woman. Mothers-in-law often get a bad rap; mother-in-law jokes abound and somewhere right now there’s a group of women chatting over coffee with at least one of them complaining about her MIL (mother-in-law).
The daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship is an important one. While every woman’s relationship with her mother-in-law is unique, here are six reasons to take time to appreciate yours this Mother’s Day.
Recognize your mother-in-law’s loss
Imagine your own child’s future wedding day: your child will be embarking on a journey on which all of a sudden you’ll be taking a backseat in your son or daughter’s life. WHAT? He or she will have a new best friend, confidant and partner for life. That almost brings a tear to my eye already and my kids are only eight, six and three.
My husband often asks my three-year-old daughter, “Do you know who my two favorite girls are?” He goes on to answer, “You and mommy!” Growing up, my mother-in-law would have topped that list.
Being a mother-in-law isn’t easy
Now that her child is married, a mother-in-law can find herself in uncomfortable situations. She may want to visit but feels unwelcome or that she’s intruding. She may want your family at holiday gatherings, but now needs to share with your relatives. Most likely there are times when she has to bite her tongue, too.
While some mothers-in-law overstep boundaries (think of Ray Romano’s TV mom, Marie Barone), many have good intentions and do so out of love. Sometimes I imagine myself as a mother-in-law and wonder what kind of a relationship I’ll have with my children’s spouses. Picture how you want your kids’ future spouses to interact with you and treat her as you’d like to be treated.
Realize all she does
Does your mother-in-law call, email or send letters? Does she remember your children on holidays? Does she show her love for her grandchildren and make them feel special? While your mother-in-law might not meet all of your expectations, think of even little ways she makes a difference. Julie, mom of two, appreciates when her mother-in-law offers to babysit once in a while to allow Julie and her husband a night out. Sometimes it’s easy to take a mother-in-law for granted, not realizing all she does for the family.
Too soon she’ll be gone
Appreciate your mother-in-law because you don’t know how long you’ll have her. Sharyn, mom of two, was grateful her mother-in-law watched her children once a week while she and her husband were at work. However, Sharyn often complained to her husband that her mother-in-law overstayed her welcome – hanging around well into the evening.
Then her mother-in-law died of cancer rather unexpectedly. Sharyn regrets not spending those evenings enjoying her mother-in-law’s company. The saying, “life is short” was said for a reason.
Your mother-in-law is family
Even though he’s your husband and you have your own household and family, keep in mind that your husband is the son she raised. Your children are her grandchildren. Your children bring a sparkle to her eye and are reasons for her to brag to her friends. So it’s beneficial to nurture the relationship your mother-in-law has with her son and grandchildren.
Remember your mother-in-law’s gift to you
Like most moms, I like a little pampering when Mother’s Day rolls around. However, I always spend that weekend planning a menu, shopping for gifts and cleaning. I started a Mother’s Day tradition 15 years ago, inviting my in-laws and parents over for the day. My birthday happens to fall around that same time as well. My husband lovingly suggests I end the tradition, knowing I would probably rather relax on my birthday/Mother’s Day weekend. Some years I consider taking him up on his offer, but then I realize there isn’t a more perfect time to show my appreciation to my mom for bringing me into this world and to my mother-in-law for raising a wonderful son.
This Mother’s Day, let your mother-in-law know she’s appreciated, whether it’s through a phone call or letter, a homemade craft from your child or an invitation to dinner – after all, she raised a pretty amazing man for you.
10 simple ways to make your mother-in-law smile
Call her or send a letter, email or text message simply saying “I appreciate all you do.”
Tell her how amazing her son – your husband – is and thank her for raising him that way.
Have your children make special handmade crafts for grandma telling her how much they love her.
Surprise her with a visit – as a family, just you and the kids or even by yourself. Spending time with her shows her how much she means to you.
Buy her something you know she’ll love. A sweater in her favorite color, a book by her favorite author or a vase full of her favorite flowers shows that you care enough to know what she likes.
Invite her over for dinner. Cook a meal for her and let her spend quality time with her son and grandchildren.
Frame a picture of her and your husband and give it to her. She will appreciate that you realize the strong bond she still has with her son.
Encourage your husband to spend some one-on-one time with his mom.
Ask for her advice on something or request a certain recipe. Making sure she knows you respect her and admire her will make her day.
Extend an offer to help. Offering to accompany her to a doctor’s appointment or help pull weeds in her garden will show that you think she’s worth your time.
Deanne Haines is a mom of three and freelance writer passionate about sharing the pleasures and pitfalls of parenting with other moms and dads.