As winter break approaches, many parents feel their stress levels rise. Not only is there decorating, shopping, and hosting to do, but children often have their own to-do lists of final school projects, overdue homework, and end-of-year performances to squeeze in. Everyone is tired, the days feel short, and we all want to cross the finish line to the much-anticipated holiday break. This can lead some parents to wonder: Can I step in to help my child, and when am I crossing the line into doing too much?
The urge to step in and help children “just get it done” comes from love and good intentions. However, each time we do something for them that they should learn to do for themselves, we send the message that they are incapable of managing without us. That is not the message we want to send. The good news is that it is possible to strike a healthy balance between supporting our children and rescuing them completely, and it starts with a simple mindset shift and a bit of awareness.
What Happens When We Do Too Much
We help because we care and because we want to protect our kids from pain, even if the pain is just a frustrating writing assignment. However, our instinct to help can sometimes interfere with children’s learning and long-term growth.
When we swoop in to solve, fix, edit, or finish a task for them, they lose the chance to build tenacity, independence, and the confidence that comes with achieving something on their own. They might get a good grade on the assignment, but did they learn how to manage their time, organize their thinking, or handle imperfection?
That said, we do not need to take the opposite attitude of “figure it out yourself.” Kids do need help, especially as they learn how to plan, prioritize, and monitor their progress. The challenge is to take on the role of mentor or coach, not a fellow player. We should guide, encourage, and provide assistance without taking over the game.
In the short term, helping works. The homework gets turned in, the room gets cleaned, and everyone feels relief and moves on to the next thing. However, if children repeatedly see us take over, they start to expect that someone else will step in to do the work. When we add our finishing touches to their assignments to make them closer to perfect, kids may begin to feel pressure to maintain standards not set by them that are unrealistic for their abilities. They are also less likely to feel proud of their work when they know they did not fully do it themselves. Finally, micromanaging their work can strain our relationship with them as power struggles, nagging, and avoidance creep in.
Our goal should be progress, practice, and pride rather than a perfect product. The stress of holiday preparations can even be viewed in a positive light if we use the season to model how to get through a crunch time without losing our balance. Children learn far more from watching us handle pressure calmly and deliberately than from any lecture about how to do it themselves.
A Few Things to Keep in Mind as You Work Toward Guiding, Not Doing
Redefine Help. Real help is not doing something for our kids. It is guiding them so they can eventually do it for themselves. In the beginning, especially with younger children, we may need to “do with.” That might look like brainstorming together or demonstrating a step and then coaching them as they try it independently. Our goal is to help them build confidence and understanding.
Over time, we can shift to checking in on progress and asking guiding questions. As we help, it is important to check in with ourselves and ask, “Is my help teaching them something they will be able to do without me next time?” If the answer is no, we may be entering over-helping territory and need to course-correct.
Normalize the Struggle. It can be hard not to step in when a child is in tears over schoolwork, but frustration does not equal failure. Most of us can recall times we felt at our limit but regrouped, pushed through, and succeeded. We do not want to take away that experience of growth for our children by erasing the frustration. However, normalizing the struggle can help them push through, ultimately teaching them that perseverance, not perfection, is what matters.
Statements like “I see you are frustrated, and that is normal when you face a challenge. Let’s take a break and try again,” and “I am here to help you if you need it, but I want you to take the first try,” validate their feelings while encouraging independence.
Adjust by Age and Temperament. A 6-year-old and a 16-year-old need very different kinds of help. Younger children benefit from more structure and direct guidance, while teens need autonomy and trust, even when they falter.
It is also important to consider your child’s temperament. An anxious child may need more emotional support, while a disorganized child may need more help developing organizational systems. As your child’s skills increase, your involvement should decrease.
Praise Process, Not Product. Many parents fall into the understandable trap of praising grades, goals scored, and other outcome-based achievements instead of praising effort. When we praise how hard a child works, we reinforce the idea that success comes from persistence, not innate talent. Similarly, when we praise growth, such as “You did a great job managing your time better on this project,” children feel a sense of accomplishment that is separate from the final result.
Looking Ahead
In 20 years, the grade your child earned on a language arts essay or how perfect a diorama looked will not matter. What will matter is whether they learned to face challenges, manage their time, and trust their ability to figure things out. The journey requires patience, empathy, and faith that your child’s abilities will grow through experience, as well as faith in yourself to guide without controlling.
When you feel the urge to take over, pause and ask yourself: What will help my child grow in the long run, my efficiency or their effort? Even if the answer is uncomfortable, it is usually clear.
Alison Bogle is a writer living in Austin with her husband and three children. A former fourth grade teacher, she now enjoys writing about children and education. You can also catch her talking about articles from Austin Family magazine each Thursday morning on FOX 7 Austin.
