Q
My wife and I have two boys, Michael, who is 14, and Austin, who is 10. Our older son seems amazing at everything he does. He is highly motivated to win, outgoing, and competitive. Our younger son is quieter, slower to try new things, and works at a steady, deliberate pace. As parents, we want both of our boys to be successful and happy. What suggestions do you have for us?
A
You describe your outgoing son as “amazing,” but you do not use that word for your more introverted son. It is worth pausing to consider that while one child’s strengths may be more visible, the quieter child likely has his own incredible and amazing qualities that are less public. Those qualities still matter. Taking time to notice, name, and appreciate them can make a powerful difference. You asked for suggestions to help both boys thrive, and the following ideas may help guide you.
First, praise both boys equally, focusing on specific behaviors or efforts, such as staying on task, showing persistence, or finishing a challenging assignment. General praise like “Good job” loses its impact when used constantly and does little to encourage growth.
Second, avoid comparing the boys to one another. Each child is a unique individual with their own temperament, strengths, and timeline. While many parents hope for outgoing children, some kids are naturally quieter, and that is perfectly healthy.
Third, discover each boy’s interests. A trip to the library, where they can choose their own books, may reveal what truly captures their attention. Talk with them about different careers, hobbies, and skills, and, when possible, visit with people who work in those fields.
Fourth, help them develop those interests. One mother noticed her son’s fascination with sports cars and began taking him to places where he could see them up close. She also bought him a large LEGO set featuring a car’s working parts. Today, he is studying mechanical engineering in college. His brother was the outgoing, competitive one, while he remained quiet, yet both found meaningful paths.
Fifth, consider offering separate lessons tailored to each child, such as music, cooking, sports, or other interests. Some lessons build life skills, while others provide enjoyment or even lead to a future career.
Finally, consider joining or starting a parenting group where you can share concerns and learn from others facing similar challenges.
One of the most beautiful aspects of the world is that people come in billions of varieties, each with unique interests, abilities, and goals. You are to be commended for recognizing your sons’ differences. By nurturing those differences, you help each child grow into a productive, confident, and contributing member of the community.
Betty Richardson, PhD, RN, CS, LPC, LMFT, is an Austin-based psychotherapist.
