This Valentine’s season don’t forget that romantic love isn’t the only type of love to celebrate. There are many types of love to talk to your kids about, such as the love for their parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, and especially themselves. February is a great time to help your kids understand the relationship between self-care and loving others.
Self-care is a term that has been thrown around a lot in the past few years. There are countless books and podcasts dedicated to self-care and self-love. Self-care kits include lotions, bubble baths, coffee mugs, and fuzzy socks. Contrary to what self-care kits would have you believe, self-care isn’t planning a spa night (although you can incorporate that!). It is about taking the time to get your mind and body healthy and having the right perspective on your worth.
As parents, we often neglect our own needs to prioritize our children’s needs. A lot of the time, sacrificing for your children is the right thing to do! After all, they need us to cook for them, drive them around, and teach them about life. But when we find ourselves overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed, we can take it out on those closest to us. No one wins in this scenario. So how do we avoid it, and how do we teach our kids to do the same? Our kids watch everything we do, soaking it up to repeat it later.
For adults and kids alike, self-care and self-love can look different from person to person. Overwhelmed parents may need a night out with friends to recharge and reconnect with other adults. Or, they may need a quiet dinner alone where they don’t have to answer questions, eat cold chicken nuggets, and clean spaghetti off the floor when the meal is over. You need to find out what works best for you to re-center, recharge, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be in the future.
Kids will have a harder time figuring out what works for them. Their needs change as they pass through different stages of development. The best things you can do to encourage self-care and self-love in your kids are to remind them of who they are and give them space to regulate their bodies. That means no screens and no distractions, just peace and calm.
What does this look like for different ages? Toddlers can get easily over-stimulated and have a hard time knowing what to do with their emotions. Excitement, fear, anger, and sadness can all result in your kid hitting, biting, or breaking toys. Self-care for this age can be putting them in a calming lavender bath while you sit beside the tub and calmly talk about their emotions and remind them that you love them.
Preschool-age children act out in similar ways when they feel overwhelmed or over-stimulated. At this age, however, they have a better grasp of what they are feeling and why. As parents, it’s our job to help them identify when to pause and listen to their bodies.
Elementary school and above is when many children start activities like sports and music lessons, and they only get busier as they mature. They aren’t taking naps and they have longer days where they are required to be attentive and learn. This can be a lot for your kids, and lead to emotional outbursts. They may still have difficulty pinpointing what makes them feel overwhelmed, so parents need to be attentive to their kids’ moods and what is going on in their lives. At this age, kids know better what their bodies need, but they need reminders and suggestions to implement these things. It could be a pajama day, a trip to the bookstore, or being allowed to sleep in and skip a morning activity.
There are two traps to be aware of when it comes to self-care. First, beware that you don’t teach your kids to use self-care as an excuse to run away from their problems or be selfish. It is important to remember at every stage your kids need to learn about their emotions, what is triggering them, and how to manage emotions appropriately. The point of self-care is not to focus on ourselves 100% of the time, it is to help them feel their best so they can love others well. If your child is having a hard time getting along with their siblings they may need to take a break, have a snack, or take a nap. No matter how they choose to take care of their bodies and manage their emotions, they still need to figure out why they’re having problems getting along and work on communicating with their siblings.
The second trap is mistaking basic needs for self-care. Teach your kids that there are basic hygiene and health tasks that are non-negotiable. They need to eat healthy, brush their teeth, and take a shower every day. Self-care comes in when they feel overwhelmed and need something extra to get them centered.
Finally, as parents it is so important that we remember our kids are watching and listening to everything we do so we must model self-care and self-love for them. They will pick up our mannerisms, sayings, and outlook on life. It is good for your kids to see how you deal with different emotions. For instance, if you have a frustrating situation at work you can talk to your kids about the experience. Tell them what caused you to feel frustrated and how you could have responded if you couldn’t control your emotions. Then explain how taking a step back to give yourself space and think through the situation helped you. Talk to your kids about how your feelings are valid, just like theirs, but acting out in anger is not the solution. Be open about your need to re-center to be the best version of yourself.
Ensure your kids love their bodies by modeling positive words and phrases. Speak positively about yourself and your kids by repeating affirmations such as “I am enough,” “I am strong,” and “I love my body.” Talk about how amazing our bodies are and how beautiful it is that everyone is unique. Moms can show off their stretch marks and talk positively about how their stomachs stretched to hold growing babies. Focus on how beautiful your body is and remind your children of how beautiful they are inside and out.
Teaching your children self-care and self-love from an early age will help them establish good habits and outlooks as they grow older. When they have a positive view of themselves it will be easier for them to encourage and love their friends, family, and everyone else they encounter. As parents, we must help our kids see the good in themselves, and remind them that if they are worthy of love, so is everyone else they know.
Catherine Michalk is a native Austinite, writer, and mom of three. You can follow her family’s adventures at www.catherinemichalk.com