I picked my son and a few of his friends up from middle school to drive them to an activity. These were friends that he – and I – have known since kindergarten, and this was nowhere near the first time this crew had been in my car, although it had been a while. Gone was the silly chattering of the early days, replaced by the silence of kids engrossed in their phones. Suddenly, I was startled by a grown man’s laugh coming from the back seat. More startling was the realization that the sound came from one of the 13-year-olds whose voice had dropped several octaves since the last time I drove him anywhere!
Somewhere in the past couple of years, toys have been phased out in my house, my boy has experimented with shaving the peach fuzz on his upper lip, and wearing deodorant has become mandatory for my small people, only one of whom is still smaller than me – and not by much! Like most parenting milestones, the transition from tween to teen isn’t marked by any one moment, it sneaks up on you. One minute you’re stepping on Lego blocks and getting glitter out of the couch. Next, you find yourself waist-deep in important conversations and being impressed by your child’s Spotify playlist. So, when exactly does a tween become a teen?
“Tween” and “Teen” Defined
The transition from tween to teen often happens without parents noticing because the shift can be subtle. Technically, though, the label “tween” refers to kids between the ages of nine and 12 while the designation of “teen” refers to kids between 13 and 19.
Physical changes
Puberty tends to offer the most obvious signs that your child is maturing, although it cannot be used as the only marker. Puberty onset typically occurs between the ages of eight and 13 for females and nine and 14 for males. While these are general ranges, it is important to remember that individual timelines can vary. During puberty, your child will experience growth spurts, a change in voice, body odor, development of secondary sex characteristics, and acne will likely appear, along with other signs of maturation.
Emotional changes
Your child will go through emotional changes during this time of transformation. As your tween moves closer to becoming a teen, you may notice him doing very developmentally normal things such as testing your boundaries, asserting his independence, and forming opinions that are different from yours, possibly for that very reason. Your child may also turn inward, becoming more private about his friendships, activities, and daily life. He may also spend more time alone in his room engaged in solo pursuits, or make plans to go off with friends, rather than spend time with family. These changes are developmentally normal, but they can leave a parent wondering where their family-movie, hug-loving child has gone and who this moodier, smellier person is who has taken their place.
Fits and starts
One of the tricky things about parenting a tween-turning-teen is that the maturation process does not follow a straight line. Your child may grow five inches in a year, but seem to lag-behind his peers emotionally. Your daughter may seem wise beyond her years, but still look like a young child. And, to make it even more disorienting, your child who seems to have become emotionally mature, may just a day, week, or even minute later seem quite the opposite.
As they develop, kids at this age toggle back and forth between stages. For quite a while, you will notice that they seem to have one foot in childhood, even as they are dipping their toe into the adult world.
To truly identify the shift from a young child to a teen, you want to take a step back from the day-to-day experience of your child. Take a big-picture look at his interests and how they have evolved and are evolving. Does he still gravitate towards mainly childish pursuits, or is he regularly choosing more mature activities and pastimes? Evaluate his emotional awareness and social experiences. Does he seem to be craving more independence within the family as he works to establish his identity? Is he often sharing more of his private life with friends rather than parents?
If your child is shifting to becoming a full-fledged teen, you will likely also notice that he will be better able to understand the nuances of life, such as in movie characters, global news, and his community. Instead of viewing things as black and white, kids of this stage begin to find and understand the “gray,” and seek out the reasons behind people’s actions.
Embrace the transition
The tween and teen years can be unpredictable and, at times, difficult times for parents.
The emotional pull-away can be difficult; it can feel like rejection. But remember that your child is doing what he is meant to do; it’s not personal – it’s a developmental necessity. He’s working to figure out who he is, and exploration can require space.
Pat yourself on the back for doing a good job rolling with the punches of this stage and look for the glimpses of the emerging adult. It’s exciting to see his unfolding identity. He needs your admiration, support, patience, and a whole heaping dose of grace. Even though it’s not always obvious, you’re still his compass, even if you’re no longer holding the map.
Alison Bogle is a writer living in Austin with her husband and three children. A former fourth grade teacher, she now enjoys writing about children and education. You can also catch her talking about articles from Austin Family magazine each Thursday morning on FOX 7 Austin.
