I follow a few moms on Instagram whom I would describe as “crunchy.” If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s used to describe a lifestyle involving a lot of health foods (like granola, hence the epithet), general respect and enthusiasm for the environment and nature, and—in the case of my Instagram friends—dark magic abilities that get kids to eat chia seeds.
I have nothing against crunchy moms. I admire them! But I’m the complete opposite. I guess that makes me…soggy? I’m the mom who uses disposable diapers because I can barely keep up with my own laundry (and I’m not fond of hand washing feces out of cotton, no matter how soft and gentle the weave). I’m the mom who feeds my child grilled cheese every meal for days because I get worn out over the mind game that is mealtime with a toddler.
I’m the mom whose shopping cart is devoid of anything organic except Goldfish, which doesn’t really mean anything, plus the kid can somehow sense he’s missing out on the real artificial cheese flavor and he doesn’t eat them anyway.
I’m the mom who wears yoga pants because I don’t enjoy holding my jeans up with a hair tie at five months post-partum.
I’m the mom who doesn’t co-sleep. Not because I don’t love my children being close, but because night time is the only time I can pee alone, eat alone, stare at the wall alone and lay in bed alone. (Yes, the husband is there, but he knows by now to not cross the border unless he wants some Donald Trump-level consequences.)
So, here’s to us, Soggy Moms. Let’s raise a mug of lukewarm coffee that’s definitely not fair trade and probably comes in a large aluminum can.
Carrie Taylor is a freelance writer and mother of two boys.