As a new mom, I read lots of books and neat parenting blogs that promised to prepare me for keeping my precious cherub alive and happy, but nothing warned me about what hid inside the diaper. That’s right; I’m talking about newborn poo, in all its raging, explosive glory. Here are five types I heretofore had no idea existed, but have since witnessed so frequently as to name them. . .
The Hiccup-Poo: Sometimes my sweet angel baby gets the hiccups, and it’s adorable. The hiccup-poo occurs when the force of said spasm is so strong that it pushes out a fart…and some bubbly ooze. It sounds something like: hicc-pffff, hicc-pffff.
The Gotcha! Poo: Changing a diaper is an adrenaline-filled race between parent and baby. Occasionally, my little one releases what my husband fondly calls “Cheeto dust” just as we are slipping the diaper underneath him. The Gotcha! Poo comes in all sizes, and it often ends up on undesired surfaces, like my hand.
The Not-So-Silent and Deadly Poo: One somber morning in church, all was silent—except for my baby’s bowels. My offspring let out a loud series of farts, and it seemed his position in the car seat served to amplify the noise. The poor people behind us never saw it coming.
The Escape Artist: This one takes the prize for being equal parts impressive and disgusting. This poo somehow completely evades the diaper, delivering itself up my son’s entire back and even—prepare yourself—the neck.
The Pretender: Sometimes my infant will make gaseous noises equivalent to those of a grown, and probably elderly, man. I mentally prepare myself for a monster poo while walking my bundle of joy to his changing table, but am pleasantly surprised to find a small drop instead. I guess you could say this is my favorite poo.
Carrie Taylor is a native Texan, freelance writer and mother of one precious baby boy.