The air was thick with tension as the crowd watched an epic battle between two high-caliber college tennis players. The visiting team’s spectators held their collective breath when their player became physically ill on the bench after losing a point. A humid, punishingly hot day in mid-May had created brutal playing conditions. Sweat dripped down spectators’ foreheads, fueled by both the heat and the realization that “their guy” was losing. Without a win in this match, the conference championship would slip away.
As the training staff evaluated the athlete, questions lingered about whether he was healthy and whether he could, or should, continue. Ultimately, he was cleared to resume play. What followed was one of the most remarkable performances I have ever witnessed. A determined young athlete fought through illness and fatigue, rallied from behind, and secured the conference championship for his team.
His accomplishment transcended physical ability. He summoned extraordinary mental fortitude to overcome sickness in the middle of a match he had been losing, then captured a title for his squad. Those who witnessed his triumph over adversity have not forgotten that day.
This is more than a compelling comeback story. It is a vivid example of a trait most parents long to instill in their children: resilience.
We see resilience displayed in sports and in other arenas that demand performance under pressure. It requires mental toughness and confidence to navigate anxiety, stress, fear of failure, and self-doubt. As parents, we want to nurture resilience and confidence, yet we do not always know when or how to cultivate them. How can we recognize when our child’s confidence is wavering? And when we see the signs, how do we offer support without unintentionally increasing the pressure?
Notice the signs
To help our children well, we must first practice awareness ourselves. Before reacting, pause and consider what may be driving their behavior. Start by asking:
What is my child saying about themselves in relation to their performance? What narratives are they forming?
How do they internalize setbacks or underperformance?
Is there a noticeable gap between how they practice and how they perform in competition?
Are they placing pressure on themselves, or feeling it from external sources?
We all engage in self-talk, and sometimes that dialogue is spoken aloud. The words our children use reveal how they see themselves. Absolute statements such as “I can never” or “I always,” followed by negative conclusions, can signal harmful self-narratives. “I always mess things up.” “I’m just not good at this.” Over time, these beliefs erode confidence.
It is equally important to listen for how your child describes pressure. Are they comparing themselves to teammates in ways that diminish their own abilities? “I’m not as skilled as they are.” What messages are coming from coaches, peers, or even well-meaning adults? A coach who focuses solely on winning and uses all-or-nothing motivation may unintentionally heighten anxiety.
Beyond self-talk, observe the difference between practice and performance. If your child performs well in practice but consistently struggles in games or competitions, anxiety may be interfering. Pay attention to body language and tone leading up to an event. They may not articulate their fears directly, but their behavior can provide clues. Difficulty sleeping, irritability, withdrawal, or physical complaints such as headaches or an upset stomach may signal mounting stress.
These signs are not reasons for panic. They are invitations to lean in with curiosity and care. When we notice patterns, we are better equipped to respond thoughtfully and, if necessary, seek additional support.
How to help
Once you recognize signs of wavering confidence, consider the source of the pressure. If it is external, you may need to advocate for your child. That could mean adjusting expectations, reevaluating commitments, or having a constructive conversation with a coach. If the pressure is internal, you can help your child reshape how they interpret performance and success.
In sport psychology, goal orientation generally falls into two categories: outcome orientation and mastery orientation. Outcome orientation centers on results, wins, rankings, and statistics. While outcomes matter, an exclusive focus on them can increase anxiety and undermine confidence when results fall short.
Mastery orientation emphasizes growth, effort, and learning. Mistakes become opportunities for improvement rather than evidence of inadequacy. Children who adopt a mastery mindset are more likely to persevere because their self-worth is not tied solely to a scoreboard.
You can reinforce this approach at home. Acknowledge your child’s disappointment when they underperform. Avoid minimizing their feelings. At the same time, highlight their growth and strengths. Comment on their preparation, work ethic, creativity, and persistence. For example: “I know that wasn’t the result you hoped for, but I saw how hard you worked this week. Your footwork has improved so much.” Balanced feedback helps children see that their value extends beyond a single outcome.
Parents are often the most influential external voice in a child’s life. When we offer steady encouragement and realistic perspective, we counter harsh self-criticism. We provide an alternative narrative rooted in truth and compassion.
Confidence is also built through preparation. Repetition fosters familiarity, and familiarity breeds trust. When children can connect their effort to their readiness, they are more likely to believe in their abilities. A simple reminder can be powerful: “You practiced this every day. You are ready.” Such statements reinforce the link between effort and competence.
At times, however, a child’s struggles may feel more intense or persistent than typical nerves. If your support at home does not seem to help, seeking professional guidance can be a proactive step. For younger children, a licensed therapist can address stress management and underlying anxiety. As children mature and become more invested in performance, a sport psychologist can teach strategies to manage pressure and strengthen mental skills.
Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It models self-awareness and resourcefulness, and it communicates that well-being matters more than any trophy.
Many of us hope to witness our child rise to the occasion in a defining moment, like the match I observed years ago. We would feel immense pride, not simply because of a victory, but because of the resilience and confidence displayed in the face of adversity.
Yet resilience is rarely built in a single dramatic comeback. It is cultivated in everyday moments when children confront challenges, reframe setbacks, and choose to try again. With intentional support, open dialogue, and, when needed, outside resources, we can help our children develop lasting confidence and the capacity to endure hard moments, so they’re prepared for when their own high-stakes opportunity arrives.
Michelle Overman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Austin, TX. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her husband and two young boys.
