Sticker shock

At some point during the last decade, a memo went out to families across America demanding they rush out and purchase stick figure decals for their car windows so the entire world knows exactly how many people, and which genders, comprise their family unit. And then the leader of this movement decided to throw in a few addendums:
Addendum A: Include your pets.
Addendum B: Include your hobbies.
Addendum C: Indicate your college of preference if possible.
Addendum D: Consider using other images in lieu of stick figures, e.g., skulls, cartoon characters or inanimate objects.

It’s out of control my friends, and quite possibly a distraction to other drivers, namely me. I find myself recalling elementary math, then advanced calculus, trying to figure out how they fit their family of eight into a car that clearly only seats five. And is little Sally a cheerleader, a dancer or a “dancer?” The sticker isn’t clear enough and I need to know.

If I had a family-o-stickers, it would be comprised of a dad, mom, little boy and a dog. And after that incident with my dining room rug, the dog is questionable. I certainly don’t feel this meager display alone would win any prizes. There won’t be any other drivers furiously counting on their fingers and carrying the one while they hurtle down I-35 on the way to work.

I start to wonder what our hobbies would be; do they make stickers that would accurately portray the Burlesons? The hubs is easy: golf. But then it gets a bit harder. My son is four. Right now, he’s into superheros, baseball, basketball, swimming, football, tennis, soccer, skateboarding and Justin Timberlake. I’d be willing to share the Justin Timberlake sticker with him, but I can’t fit all of that on the back of my car! That’s a lot of Goo-Gone just to keep my family up-to-date.

Jack the dog is also a tough one. He’s 14, deaf and blind. So does that mean he only gets 75 percent of a dog sticker? Do they make a tiny dog bed decal to show the world he sleeps 22 hours a day? I don’t want to negatively portray my poor dog, especially since he can’t voice his objections. But I’ve got to keep it real here, folks. Seventy-five percent of a dog it is..

And finally, me: the mom. Do they make a mom sticker with a shopping bag, a laptop and a bottle of wine?

Mimi Burleson lives in Georgetown with her husband, son, dog and bare-rear-window Volvo wagon.

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